whilst whistling some bowie song in my head.

Here we are. Another time passing mechanism. I'm occupied waiting for Kim to not be caught in traffic and get here, while my brother is in his room connecting with the Beatles. Living at home has been strange. It makes me feel terribly immature after being on my own for a few years, but it is oddly comforting -- a complete solace when I permit it to be.

But who needs solace? And from what? Only when things aren't going my way does my perspective shift to negative shades of black. That's when I pretend to hover over my life and look at it like I were a cartographer, mapping appropriate exits and on ramps precisely on my highway of almost 23 years. That's a really lame analogy, but it's sincere.

In that imaginary mapping, I'm reminded of those who I know love me. Then i think of how much of a distant snot I've been. Unintentional, of course, because I really cannot recall the last time I had such an ill motive, but still a distant snot. I tell myself that other people have needs, too, and right now one of them for several is me in this place.

Wow. Somehow I've successfully turned a quest for grace into the teenage angst I managed skipped over years ago!

I guess sometimes I have to step outside myself to remember myself -- why things are relevent and why I'm at where I'm at. It almost has that "not realizing what you have until it's gone" effect -- the feeling that sits with you weeks after breaks ups with a polar opposite-turned-complement. And it works because I'm immediately grounded. And then that fuzzy feeling I call gratitude sets in, and I find myself back on track. In the end, it all seems to come down to joy, gratitude and empathy, each of which contribute significantly to the ultimate: LOVE (in all its various fortitudes).