falling out of love.

I don't think things are as pretty anymore now that I'm not in love. You know what I'm talking about -- stuff that suddenly seems infinite and more full of wonder when your heart is full and warm of the romantic type of my favorite four-letter word? Views from a moonroof. Kind gentlemen gestures. The glow of a car stereo on skin. It just isn't the same when your heart's not invested. Since I became a gimp again (yeah, busted ankle!), a lot of men have held open doors. And while I appreciate the gesture, it seems so much more tender when the person you're sleeping with does it.

Maybe I grew a little hard in these last two months. I don't know. But I certainly know that absence definitely doesn't make the heart grow fonder, and Jeff Tweedy is brilliant for singing "distance has no way of making love understandable." It doesn't. It just makes it hurt more.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both sides: in love and not. And in the end, I'm just thankful to have loved enough to know the difference.

reminder.

"Well you got up this morning and still had both your legs, right? "

Thanks for getting me back on track, J.

Asking Jews if it's weird that I want to be one.

While working at the espresso bar today, another barista and I chatted up some Israeli customers. I ended up asking them a question I always want to ask Jewish folk: what do you think of me wanting to be a secular Jew strictly for the traditions? They said go for it. I'm not sure if it's because they were younger or more open-minded, but I was glad they didn't stare at me blankly like most do. In fact, they were probably the most accepting of the idea if that make any sense. Made me feel a little less weird.

This is definitely not what I was most grateful for today, but it's the unique piece of grace in the bunch.

narcissism.

Apparently I should wear red cardigans with brown and white collared dresses more often because the amount of compliments I received today is shocking. Every time I was in a different locale, one or two people (male and female) would approach me and tell me how much he or she loved my outfit. Target and thrift store, thank you.

So, yeah, the clothes don't mean anything. But people's sunshine made my swell day a even better. I swear that pleasant attitudes are both magnetic and contagious. Can we all try that some more, please?

an overwhelming one.

I'm just thankful he's still alive.

ginger cookies win.

I had a shitty day. Aside from learning at 3:30 p.m. that I was scheduled to work at 8:30 a.m. at the espresso bar, my "newly fixed" car stalled in Dunmore several times. I got into a phone argument with the last person I want to phone argue with and I got a mean papercut.

But it really wasn't shitty when I think about it, which brings me to what I'm grateful for today. Todd Faltin's willingness to share his superb recipe for vegan gingersnap cookies. I added a lot more ginger than was called for, and it was a good decision because anyone who had one looked pleased. And I was delighted to bake them. But that's not what mattered. I love Todd, and I love how he himself is so generous with his baked goods and with life in general. Making his cookies reminded me of that spirit and how I myself should strive to be as giving and compassionate as he is. Maybe we all can.

some selfish gratitude, but important.

Today I am thankful that I relinquished 15 unnecessary dollars and actually didn't care. It was freeing, you know, not to feel like money dictated my sentiments. The person who received it didn't really "earn" it, and for a while, I thought about taking it back, but then I realized soon after that it's just $15. And I'm in a situation presently where $15 doesn't mean as much as it used to. I just hope he puts it to good use. I think he took his girlfriend to the Glider Diner, and that's fair enough to me. At least it wasn't Burger King or some other impersonal place.

I hate the word blog.

But here I am regardless. In my quest for everlasting optimism, I started jotting down one thing I am grateful for about each day in a small memo book. Sometimes it's a stretch to think about, but most of the time I'm deeply humbled and taken back by my indecision.

If you know me, you know I have a few overwhelming (and sometimes very irrational) fears. The first is losing my memory. The second is losing some sentimental possessions in a fire -- my journals, my box of Polaroids and lastly, my baby blanket. I fear this because my dozen or so journals are my history, and I'm obsessed with nostalgia and reminiscing. Also, secrets. Wow, secrets. Tangible proof of the people I love are in the box of Polaroids. And my baby blanket warms my heart more than kittens. (You think being a blanket it'd keep me physically warm, too, but nope, too worn out for that).

Anyway, the Internet is fireproof.

But enough of that. I'll try to make this just as daily as the memo book, but it might take some time, like most things, until it becomes absolute habit. I'll start with one thing I was grateful about today.
I'm grateful for my father, who this evening as talked his ear off about my barista joys, art ideas, love of print media and relentless cell phone phone tag with friends, never once acted uninterested in what I had to say.